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I’m pissed. Which is nothing new really because I’m perpetually pissed. Not the growl at stray dogs and bare my teeth at stray cats kind of pissed, and no, not because the Sharks have lost three in a row (guys, the playoffs are slipping away!), or that they are shooting wolves in Yellowstone again. No, I’m pissed because I’ve just finished watching The Future of Food, by Deborah Koons-Garcia.

Without beating around the genetically modified bush, Koons-Garcia’s film tells the story of Monsanto as it sues farmers in Canada and the U.S. for stealing GM seed. Well, that’s not exactly true, the stealing part, but Monsanto did find their patented seeds sprouting on land owned by farmers who never purchased the rights to grow said seed. Which I suppose sounds perfectly plausible, except for the disturbing fact that Monsanto actually owns the patent on these seeds. “Owns the patent” being the key phrase there. Without going into all the obvious peril that owning the patent of a tiny seed implies, let’s just say that it is a very unsettling trend, when huge companies that seem to spawn some of our favorite politicians (Dick Cheney, John Ashcroft, and Clarence Thomas are all former Monsanto-ans) can worm their way into something as sacred as owning the soul of a seed.

When you think of Monsanto, chances are you think of Roundup. Roundup is the destroy-icide that kills everything it is sprayed on. It kills dandelions. It kills ladybugs (accidentally). It kills crabgrass. It kills crickets (accidentally, ok, maybe on purpose). It kills milkweed. It kills butterflies (people should definitely go to jail for this!). It kills pretty much anything you spray it on, which is why it is so perfectly deadly.

It’s also why Monsanto has created Roundup Ready seeds, seeds genetically modified to withstand a lethal assault of the herbicide when it’s applied to an entire field of soybeans or corn. See, if you’re a farmer growing Roundup Ready Rape, then you get to watch as the weeds wilt when your canola-oil-to-be crop is drenched with the herbicide.

This is especially appetizing when it comes to Roundup Ready corn, because I don’t know about you, but I prefer a good dose of herbicide to warm melted butter any day when it comes to corn on the cob for dinner.

All right, I’ll stop. Go buy the DVD and watch it will you - and get pissed off too.

Get The Future of Food.
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We love you Sara Kate, really we do. We really do love you. But really, begging for votes just doesn’t seem like your style (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6), and it's style that your site, Apartment Therapy: The Kitchen, seems to have in spades. Do you really want to win a Bloggie Award that bad?

And what’s with all the blog awards? People’s Choice Award, people! They’re the Peoples Choice Awards for the internet. Get a grip for gods sake (yeah, we’re gunning for a Pulitzer here at least).

And what? We’re nominated for a food blog award? Seriously? Uh-oh…

PLEASE GO VOTE FOR US IN THE FOOD BLOG AWARDS RIGHT NOW! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE VOTE FOR SAUTE WEDNESDAY!

Whaddya mean the awards have already been announced?

Where’s our trophy?

Whaddya mean we didn’t win?

Why we were coding stuff by hand before any these bloggers even knew how to reboot into root. Remember FrontPage? Remember GreyMatter? Remember Zeldman? Those were the good old days...and besides, we still get the occasional mention on Kottke, so there.

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Remember that scene in The Bodyguard where Kevin Costner is eating an apple in the kitchen, slowly slicing it with a paring knife, and in walks Whitney Houston’s really pissed off bodyguard, and after a big fight, Costner takes the knife and just wings it right into the cupboard inches from the bodyguard’s nose? I love that scene.

In fact, I’ve been reenacting it in my home kitchen. Without the angry bodyguard obviously. My wife is a little upset though. No not because she just watched the Monsanto movie, it’s that I’ve ruined most of our really expensive kitchen cabinets with my knife throwing practice.

Picture me as Kevin Costner, no, better yet, Kiefer Sutherland in his 24 role. I’ve just infiltrated Monsanto’s headquarters and perpetuated an calamitous event. It was too easy really. I surreptitiously handed an IT guy a disc and told him it was the new Quake 7 game. Knowing that he’d immediately boot it up to the network, I made my way for the nearest exit. Little did the IT guy know that disc contained the movie, The Future of Food, and by plugging it into the network, it is now playing in an endless loop on workstations throughout the Monsanto empire. Heh, heh, heh.

Back to me. I’m almost to the exit when I spy a door labeled “Research Lab for Creating Really Toxic Chemicals”. I whip out my ATM card and swipe it in the door lock, and what do you know, it opens (this only works in movies by the way). It’s a low lit room, but there on a table in the middle, under a glowing spotlight, is a spray bottle of the “New Improved Formula Roundup – Guaranteed to Kill Even the Dirt”.

“Previously on 24”, I say in my best Kiefer Sutherland voice.

No sorry, “Here’s my chance to save the world”, I say in my best Kiefer Sutherland voice.

As I stride towards the bottle a figure looms from out of the shadows. It’s none other than Dr. Roundup! He grabs the spray bottle of the “New Improved Formula Roundup”, and points it at me. “Don’t move!” he shouts in his best Mike Meyers as Doctor Evil voice. I fumble in my pockets, looking for some kind of defense. I pull out my trusty paring knife, and with months of practice, nicked up kitchen cabinets, and a very unhappy spouse behind me, hurl it precisely right at the middle of the plastic spray bottle.

Slow motion of knife spinning through the air…

Here’s where Jennifer Garner, wearing a really tight black leather rescue outfit, comes crashing through the roof, dangling from a helicopter cable. I jump up and grab her hand, and within minutes we are passionately making out in the back seat (sorry Ben), on our way back to "headquarters". I look up for a brief moment, and smile at the camera as the screen fades to black.

Count me no longer pissed...